The art of losing myself.

Thanksgiving and affirmations.

2012-02-02T07:07:00.001-08:00

Thank You God for speaking to me so much this week. God never fails to speak to through each and every drama performances. Be it a speaking or non-speaking character, God still does His thing.

Thank You God too, for giving me strength to sustain through the week. Long week indeed, battled with a lot more raw emotions this week and I don't know why. :( like studying at downtown's Burger king and breaking down while listening to David Choi's Hold On and Hillsongs Take Heart. Haha why am I such an emotional feeler????

"I really appreciate you", you probably don't know this Faithy but it simply took these four words to make my day. Both my besties are taking their O's this year (yes you two my a1 stalkers) really feel excited yet stressed for them. Sam, I love this week despite the stress and all the mad rush simply because I'm spending three days in a row with you.

Alright, mum's off to Florida on sat, won't see her till after or before my birthday (sigh growing up too quickly like what shiping said).

Been missing on something these few days... just what am I missing? In need of an urgent breather to really ponder and think, how do I go on from here? Aye I really need a little push in the butt and some solid good htht.

Still waters, tissues and hugs.

January, blessed month.

2012-01-31T06:19:00.001-08:00

"We're all fighting our own battles, hoping that someone will fight with you, for you."

David Choi's Hold On definitely describes the situation of my heart these days. There are moments when I just feel so burdened though I don't even know what is breaking my heart. I just know it, my heart's breaking. Thought I've climbed over my own wall but I realized that I haven't gone past at all.

Definitely a feeler by nature, yes I am. Drowning in everyone's emotions, I never really understood my own heart. Weird isn't it? I'm so upset at the people who left me. I won't deny this, I really am upset and hurt. People will fail me, truly aware of this but I just can't avoid feeling this way. Can't put this into words either. The catchphrase and song above kinda describe it all. Not expecting too much, I just want people to affirm me and be with me through seasons like this.

Never really been affirmed since young, kinda think that's why I've got low self-confidence (nobody believes me right, everyone thinks thinks that I'm thick-skin haha). Feeling kind of empty and lonely lately but oh well, part and parcel of life yeah?

On a brighter note, I really had a good weekend last week. Stood in the presence of God during worship on Saturday with tears flowing nonstop. Came before God in my completely broken self, felt good because I haven't felt God's presence for a long while. :) During the short weekend, God really reminded me of His heart for the lost and the burden He placed in me.

So so so sooo proud of Ps2! Looking back at the past year, God really blessed us a lot. :) it wasn't easy for everyone to move on with the changes after our dear Sora went back to Korea. Still miss her a lot though. Glad that no sec 1s left cell last year as Benedict highlighted in the beginning of the year that every year, one or two sec 1s will leave cell and placed me in-charge of the sec 1s in the cell tree branch system. Also, irregulars (Sweeling, jiajie and Junjie) are coming to church so much more often! Hehe so happy!!!! :-) planning for more cell events and activities alongside with Jon to bond the cell more sure isn't easy but we're all enjoying the fruits of it now. :-) The happiest thing to see in the cell is really everyone growing spiritually even if it's bit by bit. Still remember what mingwei said one of the sundays before he left for Aussie, "Leaders are not necessarily the ones building up the cell, the members can do the same too." Remember how much I used to complain and dislike Ps2 compared to Cell One but because of this piece of advice, I decided to my part as a member. After all, everyone has a part to play in the cell right! :)

I just really miss drama and missions team though, corridor gangs and 2/3. :(

Worth fighting?

2012-01-20T20:51:00.001-08:00

Tell me, what's worth fighting for? Just a moment ago, I thought it was worth fighting for our friendship. But sometimes, the things that you do really makes no sense to me.

I tried, I did. But the door of your heart is locked against me. No matter how hard I try... It's pointless. It hurts, not just skin-deep. Tell me mate, what should I do? What can I do, to restore this friendship? Please please, my heart needs to know that I'm forgiven by the two of you. The two people closest to my heart.

No amount of "sorry" would be able to explain the guilt and sorrow in my heart. Hear my heart, please.

I thought friendships last forever, yeah but I was just that foolish.

@SamanthaShrimpp

2012-01-18T02:55:00.001-08:00

Thank you Sam, for updating your blog with that post. Because I've never realized how much I've hurt you. I'm sorry, I really am. I was just so busy and I was kinda just thinking through about everything. Trust me, you're not forgotten and you really matter to me. I just failed to tell you so. No one can replace you. You'll never fail to pop out in my mind everyday (and that's when I'll go to your blog). And no, there isn't any mistakes you've made. In fact, it's my mistake. I really really never thought that things would turn out this way. How can I put this feeling into words? Please, give me that chance to be your close friend and your study buddy again. Give me that chance to journey through life with you again. Don't ignore me please, this feelings unbearable. I'm sorry, I'm sorry and I'm sorry.

This foolish girl is unwilling to move on, without you. And man, I'd really be lost without you in my life. Buddies4lyf? :-)

So often

2012-01-15T01:30:00.000-08:00

“People come and go— they’ll drift in and out of your life, almost like characters in your favorite book. When you finally close the cover, the characters have told their story and you start up again with another book, complete with new characters and adventures. Then you find yourself focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past.” – Nicholas Sparks

How often do you feel this way? How often do you lie down in bed, read a couple of old texts from people whom you once held to dear to your heart and all of a sudden, you realize that they've long moved on without you. How often do you recall all those promises that were broken, friendships that were broken? How often do you.. cry because you realize that your good friends no longer confide in you/trust you? How often do you realize that you're left with no more friends? How often do you realize that you're probably the worst friend ever on earth?

So often.

Reality just slaps you in the face. Not just on one cheek, but on both. Yeah, ouch that hurts. People come and go, no matter how much you hate it. They just seem to love doing so. Empty promises.... I'd rather promises weren't made just to make me feel better. Hugs and lovely words.. I'd rather not hear lies just because "I'd feel better". I rather people stop meeting me/talking to me/caring for me just because someone told them to or did so out of obligations.

Maybe somewhere or somehow, things just happen and we're no longer the same. I hate changes, man I really do, being a really sentimental and a real sensitive girl. Everything sure does hurt me a lot. Just shove it under the mat, act like all's well, life's good, that's the trick isn't it?

I'm sorry Sam. I'm sorry Faith. I just suck as a friend. Deepest apologies. I'm sorry you guys can no longer talk to me and honestly.. You guys hold the key roles in my life. Leaders too of course. Just keeping it to myself though, no need for the world to know it. :)

So tonight, a certain someone made me feel this way and the feeling's just so unbearable for me to keep it in. Oh no, back to square one where I have to go through everything alone again. Sigh. This topic is such a deep raw wound for me to speak about. :/ it really is. Time to get help and speak to individuals about this I guess?

Nah, I'm probably a huge burden and no one would even want to hear from my heart. After all, ain't I the biggest loser on earth? I suck so much I probably do not have any friends left. (don't take this too personal, I just honestly feel this way)

It sucks even more when I've got loose boundaries and I sink too much into people's thoughts/feelings and often mix them up with my own feelings. Funny how my heart and mind can think of a simple little 'k' or text messages.

Time to do something about my red zones and loose boundaries. Sinking deeper and deeper into them. Miss my study buddies, really wish we'll still study together like how we used to. :/

MINDBLOWN.

2012-01-14T08:57:00.001-08:00

WOW. Collin yeo just replied "@LohJiaYi some do. you just got to believe(: i feel nice today" to my "Friendships don't last forever I guess." tweet...... WHAT IS GOING ON? I'm sorry dude so sudden and I kinda... Have a thing against you now.. What the cow should I do. WHAT THE COW SHOULD I DO?!?!?!?! BREATHE JY BREATHE ISN'T THIS WHAT YOU'VE WANTED ALL THE TIME????

Lol ok I should reply him.

Page seven.

2012-01-07T15:56:00.001-08:00

I SURVIVED FIRST WEEK OF SCHOOL. YEAH, IMMA UPPER SEC. Haha who am I kidding..... Barely survived first week man haha.

Actually first week of school is quite... okay la. Just except the realization of how busy life is (OLEVELS IN 90WEEKS) HOW MUCH I HATE SCHOOL (100 MORE WEEKS TO GRADUATE FROM CORAL), and how much relationships in school stinks. :( boo to all these and therapy big time. :'(

I didn't even have time to sit down and have a nice meal except on Friday before cca last week because I've been so busy with therapy. Therapy sucks big time no kid. Paused ultrasounds more than 5 times in 2 minutes and its supposed to be 10 mins long each session. If my ACL tears don't get well.... I don't wanna go for surgery. :( but the pain creeps up to me all the time and I get really bad muscle aches from therapy. I shall pray in Jesus name to take away all the pain and for healing to come in amen!!!!

Enough of the negative mindset about coral, 100 weeks left, make it count jy!!! Remember why God placed you there.

My reflections and new year's resolutions are not up yet because I'm still reflecting and sorting out thoughts. So slow right. But they'll be up soon!! I think.... Just wondering if I should have sent that thank you message to my parents the other day. Nah, they'd probably think I'm mad and I can't bring myself to do it. :/

Joke101

2011-12-22T21:15:00.000-08:00

Screw it ok screw it. Thank God I'll be out the next three days, seriously can't stand it another day at home facing all this crap you guys throw at me. Ha, so my whole freaking family are going for buffet and movie tomorrow and I didn't know/got invited at all.

And what was their excuse? "WE FORGOT TO BUY TICKETS FOR YOU" HA.HA.HA. WHAT A JOKE. WHICH MOTHER BOOK MOVIE TICKETS FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY EXCEPT HER FREAKING DAUGHTER?!?!? Dude you don't have create a dramatic story just because you don't want me to be there, I'm strong enough to except that fact k.

I understand, I'm not part of this family. You think you're the only one that feels this way? You're wrong. I don't want to have anything to do with you guys too.

Down on my knees, I thought I was stronger.

2011-12-22T01:04:00.000-08:00

Last Christmas, I gave my life to Jesus but this Christmas... Sad to say, I doubt I'd be able to do so. 2011 is such a messed up year, no joke.

Last Christmas, Jesus was in the centre of my life but this Christmas.. I'm really not sure about it. Yes, I've been spending most of my time in church with megalifers yet church feels.. Familiarly unfamiliar. It still is the place where I love being most but that feeling is just different. I no longer experience God like how I used to. My spiritual life definitely never felt as dry as it is now. Everything is so mundane, honestly, life kinda lost it's purpose to me. Like there isn't anything for me to look forward to anymore.

I really don't remember when was the last time I desperately called out for God but today, I did. My heart longs for His very presence again. Right in the middle of the playground in church, my heart cried out for God. It longs, it aches and it cried.

I really can't go on like this anymore. I've drifted so much from God. What went wrong? When did it started? The year started out right, somehow, somewhere, everything screwed up and I lost sight of God. I entertained my fears, troubles and pain so much that I forgot to turn to God. I'm sorry God.

If You are real, come into my life again.

Nightmare.

2011-12-17T02:01:00.000-08:00

"You'll never be good enough." "I regret making friends with you." "Who will love you?" "I hate you." "I wish I was never friends with you." "Get out of my life, you're not needed here." "You're of no use to me anymore, why should I still be friends with you?" "All my life, I hated you." "You don't deserve anything, you don't deserve love."

I dreamt of it. I had the worst nightmare twice in a row. I dreamt that everyone hated me. My family, my friends, strangers and even... Those I held dear to my heart. It was a heartless nightmare. Everyone despised me, one by one, they came into a completely dark room with just one spotlight shining down, stood there and each said a sentence of words that would just put me down. No joke. It was really scary. Especially when my close friends, leaders and family members walked into that spotlight. I was literally crying in my dream and when I woke up. So traumatizing yet so tangible.

I took the past few days and even weeks to form my thoughts, long bus rides, late nights and time alone. Everything in me was so messed up, everything was lumped up, mixed together. Emotions are raw and man, I was and still am very confused.

I can relate to these questions that surfaced in my nightmare. These aren't just questions in the nightmare... These are questions and thoughts my mind is forming and I'm just afraid to face them. What a loser I am. Because I can feel this happening. I'm afraid. I'm so very afraid. What if this nightmare is a warning for me?

I feel it happening, I'm losing friendships. Trust me, I hate myself for that. Why can't I maintain a proper friendship? Why is it so tough? I've lost every authentic and accountable relationship I have in my life. Every single one. And I just hate myself for that. I'm not even mad at anyone, I'm just.. mad at myself. I'm such a doormat. I just let everyone do as they please. With no willpower to do what I got to do for myself.

I'm sorry faith. I'm sorry I didn't handle our friendship well enough. That's why things turn out this way. Our friendship is no longer authentic or how it used to be like. I must have hurt you so many times and that probably is the reason why you can no longer turn to me when you need someone to talk to. I wish I had the guts to tell you this earlier. Do you know how much this haunts me? I'm living in the fear of losing my bestie (though I'm not really sure of who I am to you).That sucks man it really does. But please, do give me that chance to be your friend and your listening ear again. I'd really love to be there for you, just like how you've always been there for me.

I'm sorry. I'm just.. So sorry. To any of you who feels this way, I'm terribly sorry. My heart took these blows too heavily in time for me to react. In fact, I couldn't react at all because I'm paralyzed by these fear and pain I'm trying to recover from. Trust me, you're not forgotten. I just failed to handle this properly. I don't want to lose anymore friendships.

I don't see or feel God anymore. I'm just so tired. I just wish people will stop quoting from the Bible for once, I'm just hearing the same thing over and over again. It's in my head but not my heart. I just need you to be here for me and to love me for who I am. But don't do this out of responsibility, that would just kill me. Ah, I'm so screwed.

I'll be really honest and open here, (after all, all those who read my blog are either people who really care or A1 stalkers) thank you for hearing my heart and reading this really messy post.

I've forgotten how it feels to love and to be loved.

Hate you all for nuts.

2011-12-13T03:53:00.000-08:00

I'm dead serious, I hate my family. From the day I was born till now, I've never truly been accepted by them, bet they don't even love me. I really wanted to leave home so much last night because I honestly can't stand it anymore but I didn't know where to go or who to turn to. I was... Lost.

What good actresses and actors are they. Come to harbourfront to pick me up, yucks. I rather lug my stuff home myself then to see them. Pretend as if everything's cool when you know it's not, not cool mum, not cool at all. It just makes me hate you and depise you even more.

Then the next day, I wasted $50 treating them to lunch because it's their 20th anniversary. Can you believe it, I freaking wasted $50 watching three people eat happily while I just sit there and shut my mouth.

I really tried my best to not to just let everything out and snap at you all so don't push your limit. I'm already filled to the brim, I'll explode anytime. Go ahead and try me if you want, you'll never know what I will do.

I'm trying to forget about the past and you just got to remind me yeah? Thanks ah. Do you guys even know how much I'm enduring with you and how hurt and mad I am?

Escape

2011-12-02T00:17:00.000-08:00

I feel really dumb. To have let so many people into my heart. I should have knew it, I was just a tool in people's lives. They are all just concern if I got anything from overseas for them, if I'm of any use to them. If I'm not, bam, I'm out of their lives.

Foolish wasn't I? Though I was in Bali, I had Internet access. Reading twitter, Facebook, going on whatsapp. I saw everything. Nobody bothered. Nobody cared. They were just curious if I've got anything they can take or gain from me. Pretty much stinks so that's it. I'm never going to foolishly lead anyone into my heart till I've fully trust them.

Everything that's said and done over the past few weeks sank deep into my heart, I assure you that. I'm just tired of these silly games. I'm not saying that I'm giving up, though I really would love to do so. I'm just escaping. Not forever, till I get over these, till healing begin. Because I'm too easily replaced, too easily hurt. Escape. Even if it's just for awhile.

I'm sorry. I just had to do this. Screw those feelings. I was never needed, never wanted, should have never appeared. Just screw everything ok.

The people who said they'll be there to walk you through it, never did.

Run

2011-11-27T23:57:00.000-08:00

It's the first day in Bali, but I don't want to go anymore. What's the point? We aren't even here as a family. 5 more days, God they're Yours. Do what You need to.

Tired of everything, though I've got Internet access, I'll try to stay away from my phone. What's needed is a short break from everything.

Run.

08;

2011-11-25T17:15:00.000-08:00

I take back my words. Please don't fall apart, I still need this family because I've forgotten how it feels like to be loved and even to love.

I'm amazed. How can so much things happen in two weeks? So I've been out the past two weeks, trying my best to shun my family as much as possible. Yes, it definitely felt better not seeing them all day long but... It scares me. When mum went missing, my heart was so confused. One moment I was happy, I didn't had to face all the nonsense I've got to put up with her but yet a portion of my heart died and wanted her to be home so badly.

I remember that time when my dad went missing for almost a month because they quarreled. It was so scary. Please don't let it happen again.

Are we still going Bali as a family? Are we or are we not?

Where are You God?

07;

2011-11-25T01:15:00.000-08:00

Shouldn't have came home today. So dad and mum quarrel again today over who knows what and I bet my mum won't come home till my dad appologize. Haha I don't really care/bother to call my mum since she's with my sis. Bet she'll be at my grandparents' house.

So, how are we going Bali on Saturday? Good question. I don't even feel like going to Bali man. The thought of facing them 24/7 just irks me. I mean like why the heck am I even going bali when we hate each other so much, they've got my sister, right?

I'll just be an awkward turtle man. If this trip's gonna make our relationship any worse, I've got nothing to say. Because it doesn't even feel like a family anymore. Just pray that things won't get worse.

On a brighter note, heard from my sis that the villa's got Internet access everywhere! Okay except the garden maybe. So that means I can whatsapp/tweet! There'll be a personal indoor and outdoor pool and a chef! Sounds pretty cool yeah. Never stayed in a villa before. Oh wellzzzz.

Weirdemotionalkid97

2011-11-23T14:53:00.000-08:00

MEHHHH I WANT TO SCREAM SHOUT RANT CRY LAUGH ALL AT THE SAME TIME WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

Haha okay so that's how I feel since last week, macam rojak. All my emotions are like...... going up and down 24/7.

06; Urgh

2011-11-23T00:26:00.000-08:00

Urgh kill me now. Can't stay at home for any longer. Can't take it seriously. You think it's easy for me to pretend like the truth doesn't hurt?

Just so you know, it hurts and it's ripping me apart. Thanks for reminding me today again that you regret not aborting me. Like seriously. Appreciate it a lot. Yeah, blame me for all you want. Go on. I caused you to slip into depression, caused dad to start smoking and causing you to lose your job opportunity.

You know what, I don't care anymore. Say whatever, do whatever. Just wait till that day when I run away. See how happy you'd be with just that precious daughter of yours.

05; I'm on my knees

2011-11-21T01:24:00.000-08:00

If getting down to my knees means that I'm weak and I need You, Lord I'm on my knees.

It's been a really emotionally, spiritually and physically taxing week where all the emotions are constantly stirred.

I've been feeling a lot lately and I'm slowly processing stuff. There are a lot ups and downs the pass couple of weeks and yeah I thank God for the people who were with me, journeying with me the past few weeks. Your presence and words meant so much to me than you can ever imagine. Thank you, for being there with me, for me.

I'm sorry too if I've disappointed you when you spend so much time with me and yet I couldn't say or talk much about how I feel. I was asked many questions, all of which I attempted to avoid it with a simple "I don't know". It's not that I really didn't know, perhaps it was simply because I wasn't ready to hear the truth coming out of my lips and simply because.. I wasn't strong and brave enough to answer it or to even breakdown. Yet deep within me, I knew the answer. In fact, my heart was screaming it out all the time. I was just afraid to breakdown.

From young, I was taught to keep everything to myself, to bottle things up. Because everytime I showed emotions, my mum and dad would beat me up for it and just.... I slowly started to bottle everything up, even to a point where I just had thoughts that were so depressing (but thank God I'm still alive haha). And now, I'm afraid to show my emotions once again.

Believe me, I'm trying my best to slowly overcome this barrier and start to let people into my heart. Because I'm afraid of getting hurt again when I open up. I'm slowly learning how to be vulnerable and open up at times when I need to. Just be here for me, to hear me out when I'm ready. I really want to let everything out, because I'm tired of bottling it up too. All I need to do is to take that one bold step. Easier said than done yeah?

I know I've been running away. From cell, from leaders, from my family and even from God. And I truly apologise for that. I know I'm wrong but I just didn't dare to face reality or to even think about it. All I could think of was to escape. I doubted God, got angry with Him and I just couldn't even open up to Him or to even let Him love me. Because all I could feel was bitterness.

Dear God, I'm sorry for everything I did. I'm sorry for running away. I'm sorry for getting angry with You. Thank You for giving me these trials because I know, You're teaching me more about You through these trials, and I really thank You for that. I thank You too, for the people You placed in my life and in this season. Thank You God, for being such a good God. Teach me too God, to forgive, to love, to surrender and to be myself.

I just need need to know that I mattered. And I'm not alone.

Tonight;

2011-11-18T14:54:00.000-08:00

I go beyond every hysterical emotions in me and declare that Jesus Christ is Lord over my life.

Tonight I go beyond every situation, be it my family, relationships in school and in church, and all the negativity and hurts in me.

I'll do so, in time to come, I'll gather strength and rise up, not by my strength, but by God's strength. I'm weak and I know it. But my God is far more stronger.

So silly devil, who is that girl you're trying to fool?

04;

2011-11-15T04:28:00.000-08:00

I broke down, finally.

Haven't had time or the mood to really sit down and think about stuff during the exam period because all my mind told me to do was to study, study and study.

But recently, I kinda stopped studying and had pretty much time to really take things seriously and think.

And I confidently know that this is what I must do. Stop bottling up everything to myself because it's just going to hurt me further and I just still keep with my mindset and thinking about everything (which is kinda.. scary) instead of what other people see about this from a third person point of view. It's time for me to get things right, to start going on to run, but how? I really have no idea how to go on from here and to start living life once again, the Godly way.

Someone help me please. My eyes hurt.

03;

2011-11-14T02:49:00.000-08:00

Luke 6:27-38
27 “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. 30 Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.
32 “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full. 35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful
37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

Tough stuff. Shiwei asked me some questions and it's still ringing in my head. Is there any part of me that hates Collin? I don't blame him or hate him in fact, I blame myself and I do feel guilty for everything and the state Collin is in now.

Is it because of me that Collin "hates" faith? Is it because of me that Collin hates SK leaders? Is it because of me that Collin is who he is or where he is today?

Oh the sense of guilt, hurt, pain, confusion and love. All the feelings I feel about this. And man, these feelings and thoughts are so messed up. Real messy.

Honestly, I don't feel comfortable with him in my group at all. I feel discouraged, hurt, guilty, persecuted by him. I don't even dare to face him. Really. Do you know feeling of a friend and fellow ministry leader who you were once friends with and you looked up to to hates you so much today? It's really painful. Really pain. I really don't know what went wrong and what did I do. It all came too fast. My heart wasn't even prepared to accept anything like this. Not ready to face this family situation and hurts. Not ready to stop isolating myself from school. Not at all ready to be hated that much.

When shiwei asked me if I want to transfer group for the mission trip and if I'm comfortable with Collin, i was really lost. I knew I can't be myself in front of him yet I don't want to transfer group because I know God has His reason for putting the two of us in the same group. Though I really have second thoughts about the mission trip, I know that it's God's plan and it's just the devil trying to put thoughts in me to pull out.

Trust me when I say I'm sorry, because I cried many nights in guilt and the overwhelming feelings I have about this. I'm really lost in the motions of it and it's going so fast. Not physically fast but mentally, emotionally and spiritually fast.

Will I be able to be myself in front of him? Will my emotions just burst out and I start crying in the middle of mission trainings? Will there be another conflict between collin, faith and I? Will God heal our friendship?

Today, I also found out how much I am afraid to share and open up and just be who I am when I'm alone thinking about all these.

I was really afraid to show Zoe and Shiwei my vulnerable side and open up. I've never really open up to anyone like that before so yep. Like throughout the whole conversation I was really afraid that I'll cry like how I do when I'm alone and they will see just how weak I really am. Maybe with a little more time and trust I'll open up more to them and the people around me and I'll stop saying "I don't know" "yeah" "hmm" and instead my own honest feelings and thoughts.

I really much wanted to tell them about my relationship with my family, school friends, and that someone who I look up to. How much I dislike/hate them and how hurt I am by them. Because I'm tired of bottling them inside me till I'm full and that bottling up feeling just sucks so much. How much I really need to feel and receive love because all I feel in me is hatred, unwanted, loneliness, hurt and pain. I know I'm putting on a mask to hide all this feelings away so no one would see them but at the same time I really want to remove my mask and let go.

I'm sorry God for not trusting You. I took things into my own hands, I disappointed You, doubted You, and got mad at You. But today I pray, that You will teach me how to surrender and let go. I pray that You anoint me with wisdom, courage and love, to love and face Collin. I also pray that You will help me to open up to the people around me. Thank You God, for giving me this chance to fight this battle with You, to learn a lesson through these hurts and pain, for Zoe and Shiwei who have blessed me so much today, and I thank You God for being with me throughout this season and for granting me the strength to carry on and to praise You.

01;

2011-11-09T04:47:00.000-08:00

Oh these negative thoughts, feelings and words that keep replaying in my mind.

Is it too much to ask for someone to be with me and help me when I stumble and lose sight of God? A leader to help me get back up on my feet.

That's what someone promised me a while ago. To be with me, to journey it through with me. Feeling quite sore that she couldn't keep up with that promise and well, maybe she forgot about me, after all, I'm not really close to her and I'm not in her cell. Maybe I'm asking for too much yeah.

It really haunts me. Developed so much insecurities just because of this. Sucks ttm.

All alone on a lonely cold night with emotions bottling up in my chest.

02; remember our promises?

2011-11-09T04:39:00.000-08:00

You know those really urgh moments where all you could do was to scream real loudly into your pillow and then think about everything and what's the cause of all this?

Yeah, having one of those nights again.

It seems as if you've completely forgotten about me. How you promised to be there. How you promised to meet up. Man, those words really have me a lot of hope in that season. I really looked up to you and I really waited and waited till I realise that you're..... Too busy to remember and keep to you promises.

If I ever hurt you, I'm sorry. I know that we both hurt each other to a certain extent. And I'm sorry for that. But please, can we at least continue being friends and keep to our initial promises? I promised you to be a woman of my word, and you promised that you'll be there and I could have a hug if I really needed one.

Tonight I really need one, a big long hug. Tell me that it'll be fine. That I'll be fine. Assure me that God is still here.

Here's to our friendship, and the biggest loser in this world who can't even manage her own feelings.

9/11/11

2011-11-09T02:34:00.000-08:00

Today's my aunt's birthday and it sucks seeing her stuck in depression even though it's her birthday. Trying to cheer her up later, hopefully it works.

Be with me God.

A bowl of rojak

2011-11-07T01:26:00.000-08:00

So yeah. I'm feeling pretty mixed, hmm kinda like a bowl of rojak, where all the random ingredients are mixed together

1. Studies - so I've got a few hours to think and to pray. Do I appeal or stay put? Oh man this really sucks. I really don't know man. 3e4, really God?

2. Social/friends/relationships - at the end of the day, I'm all alone. I mean it. Look around, drama honestly is falling apart. Everyone's leaving, one by one. Ps1, I don't know how they feel about me, but I honestly honestly love being with them. They make me feel so loved, so blessed. But I guess that's the past. I don't really matter to them anymore. School, I don't feel a single bit attached to relationships in school. None of them are genuine, everyone is just so.... Self-centered and centralized. For instance, my two so called good friends are always gossiping behind my back and they hate me in fact and they never want to hang out with me and stuff like that. How do I keep friendships like that when it's just hurting you so much?

3. Spiritual welfare - honestly, my spiritual walk isn't doing too good, like I do feel God and all but there's so much doubt, so much pain and negative thoughts in me that's really killing me. You know those negavite words and thought someone you love a lot tell you? Yes, there are a lot of things I'm taking back to digest the past three days. I'll work it out somehow.

Of course, there's still a lot more stuff, but I'm keeping it to myself, or anyone if they even bother to talk and ask me.

Time to let go jiayi, let it all out, let it all go.

Directions

2011-11-04T00:10:00.000-07:00

Reality knocked me far too hard. So hard I can barely tell anyone how much I really hate myself and how hard it is for me to praise God in this season.

So I got back my End Of Years results and they pretty much suck. I didn't pass my math. Neither did I pass my Science. But I still praise God for my results as I really improved a lot overall but they weren't up to my expectations. I mean like I really really honestly studied very very very hard for this exam in hope to pass my maths and science yet I... Couldn't do it.

Everything's linked up. Maybe like what my parents said. Dumb child-----> bad grades-----> bad class------> failure in life.

So with such results, I'm going to the last express class. In fact I'm really really afraid. Should I appeal? Or should I stay put? What's your plan for me God? I really don't know. Where should I go? What should I do?

I still choose to praise You in this storm. But Lord, show me your ways and mercy, I really need a miracle, Speak to me, tell me what I should do. I need directions from You.

Guard my heart.

2011-10-17T02:07:00.000-07:00

My heart isn't ready.

Not at all ready for tomorrow. Not at all ready to receive my papers back. Not at all ready to be judged at. Not at all ready to breakdown in front of everyone. Not at all ready to show anyone my vulnerable side. Not at all already to face anyone. Not at all ready to step into the house with those gross results. Not at all ready to hear what my parents has to say. Not at all ready to receive any forms of blows my heart has to receive. Not at all ready to see all these months of studying so hard go to waste. Not at all ready to lose any fragments of trust left from my parents. Not at all ready to face God.

I've always knew that reality's bound to catch up with me. But yet, I'm not ready for it. I don't know, will my hard work for the past six months go down the drain? Will mum and dad hate me and despise me any further? Will I be able to promote to express 2/3? Will I breakdown in front of my classmates?

Will I, will I, will I?

But above all else Lord, I still choose to praise You in this storm. Fail or pass, God You deserve the upmost honor and glory. Because You are good all the time and all the time, You are good.

So Lord, guard my heart from the worldly thoughts and words. Guard my heart safe and far away from the devil. Don't let my heart take in any blows from the devil. Control my emotions and thoughts.

Ps2,

2011-10-15T00:20:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but there's really a really sense a burden for Ps2 that God placed in me. At first, I disliked cell, for being so different from cell 1 but then I realised. That's why God placed me here. To make an impact.

This might be my ministry, I don't know, but I'm praying about it.

During worship in cell a few weeks ago, God lead my heart to pray for Ps2, to seek forgiveness. I learnt in the David peters' seminar to be still and listen. Then I heard God speaking. "My heart is breaking. Pray for ps2. Seek my forgiveness."

Where did "Jesus is the center of PS2" went to?

Cell, is made up of the members, the leaders and God. It's not the leaders' responsibility to bond the cell. It's the cell members. And I'm part of this cell and no, I won't just sit back and do nothing. Ps2 needs a breakthrough.

This very day, my heart earns for a breakthrough in ps2. Just to see each and everyone get back to the very heart of God, I'll be willing to give up eating potatoes for 3 months. (for those of you who are really close to me you'll know that I really love eating potatoes.)

God, hear our cry, touch our hearts and purify us. Mould ps2, use us to be the light and salt of the world. Grow and groom each and everyone of us, no matter how much it hurts, till we become a mighty warrior of Yours

Battling emotions

2011-10-08T13:27:00.000-07:00

Why heart, why are you so burdened tonight? Im so tired. So so burn out, so........ Heavy. I'm worrying about so much. Studies, friends, superlife and my own thoughts and perspective.

Battling emotions. Yes that's how I feel. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of being so far from God.

I know. I'm studying to numb myself. But isn't it good? I don't have to feel so much and I improve on my grades. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I've cried many nights feeling this way.

But for now, I'm going to keep these thoughts and feelings to myself. Unless anybody wants to know or even if they bother to.

Strip me.

2011-09-28T02:07:00.000-07:00

"I will strip you everytime until you have nothing. When you have nothing, you have Me. And when you have Me, that's the time you will have everything."

I'm falling and failing. God I can't do this alone. I've tried doing it alone but all I ever achieved doing it is revolving around in circles. I don't want to do that anymore. I really don't. I know I'll need you more than anything in my life. So strip me Lord, each time I have something. Till nothing is left for me but Your Kingdom. Teach me the ways of Your heart and make my heart break for what breaks Yours.

But at this moment, my heart longs for breakthroughs for PS2 and also my studies.

Studies

2011-09-27T01:48:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt so stress that you can't help but breakdown even though you're in the midst of lessons?

Well, I did today. I just couldn't contain it. I'm still failing. I can't cope with school and this tremendous amount of stress. As much as I'd like to give up but hey, that just means that my God is smaller than that.

I'm honestly really really really stressed up. I've been mugging the crap out of me. But look at all this results...... They aren't picking up much. I've cried many nights in helplessness. I really don't know, how should I go on from here?

I'm building up my testimony and relationships with my family through studies. Because that's the only way to convince them. To get their love. I've been praying for really long for my dad to come to Christ and well.... Some love from them. Also, I really want to glorify God's name through studying. This is the last chance to prove myself. If I don't do well.... My parents might stop me from going to church that would be the last thing I would want to see happen.

God please, I can't do this on my own. I need you, so come and intervene. Jehovah Shalom, give me peace through this stressful period.

"2.1 billion Christains, but is the world getting any better?"

2011-09-08T09:17:00.001-07:00

This sentence left a huge impact on me. 2.1 billion Christians and yet the world isn't getting any better. How saddening is this? We're called by God to be the salt and light of the world. Are we doing what God called us to?

Yes, I'll do just that. No matter how hard it'll be. I'll do just that, nothing less. I'm not going to live in life my way, neither will I let this worthless life go in vain. I'm a vessel of God, I'm a woman of God. I'm called by God, to impact the lives around me.

Hear my cry and my prayer Lord, I can't carrying on life the way I'm leading it - without you. Make everything around me revolve around you. Take me, mould me, use me. No matter how much it'll hurt me, God use me and mould me. Let your will be done in my life simply because you've chosen us.

So take us Lord, use us, for this is 2.1 billion Christians' cry.

The holiday plan of a typical 14 year old teen.

2011-09-05T08:49:00.000-07:00

Holidays = super harcore muggings It's gonna be a real hardcore mugging week man!

Monday: Go to school for Maths and Lit lessons supposed to study at Ws library but it kinda failed cause I was too exhausted.

Tuesday: Go to the airport in the morning to mug with Yihui, Gen and Mel till about... 9pm? Then head home, take a shower and walk to Sam's house for hardcore mugging + sleepover! Yay!

Wednesday: Meet Erika and Sam to study at the airport!

Thurs: Meet Sam to study at the airport!

Fri: (Hopefully) Go out with my momma and sis for shopping! If I still gotta study then they'll go without me. How sad is that man. ):

Sat: Megailfe + Sleepover at my house! Faith's coming overrrr! <3 <3 So excited man! We'll see who knocks out first and hehe if she snores HAHA.

Sun: Mug again with study buddies (Sam and Chao) at downtown!
I'm practically studying/mugging everyday... Life sure is wonderful. But atleast I've got good study buddies and Faith! <3

HI FAITH!

2011-09-02T09:40:00.001-07:00

Hehe, I've been spending lots of time with Faith nowadays! Haha those were epic moments man. I mean look at what happened to us in NTUC. Faith you know you should totally move to Pasir ris/Tamp! How prefect would life be man!
P.S, you're my closest friend ever. We just lack of quality time and don't be so shy with me! Haha. Love ya. <3

Hey Sam Yeo!

2011-08-29T09:25:00.000-07:00

Hello Sam, this post is dedicated to you! Don't be angry with me ok? ): And Chao too. I'm sure he didn't mean to tell us last minute or something. And sorry for making you miss your outing with your friends. ): We can always go out together to study again! (: Like how we used to! Maybe Chao is really busy these few days? Forgive us okay? Don't be angry please! We love you!

Bye guys.

2011-07-03T09:13:00.001-07:00

Sora left. Hubble and Fluffy left. All of this just tell me one thing -- Everyone will leave me sooner or later. It's just a matter of time.

I miss you guys terribly. Cell's extremely different with you Sora. I miss you. I miss your powerful prayers, I miss your laughter, I miss teasing you. I miss receiving special stuff from you during cell, I miss those little Korean cards you ask us to pick that speaks to me. I miss the way you look at me with so much love, I miss the way you hug me, the way you lead cell. I miss you. Everyone miss you a lot, but I don't want to show them that I really miss you a lot because I don't want them to see me this way, I want to be there for them just like how you told me to. It's been one week only. But when I think of you, I'll start crying. I open up my bible, I see all the precious Korean verses all around my bible. When I look at my table, I see all the notes and letters you wrote for me. I look into my pencil case, I see the stationaries you have me. When I went to megalife yesterday, I mistook a lot people for you and then I realise, you're not in Singapore anymore. When Caroline ask how many of us miss our cell leaders from leaders retreat, I almost broke down. I really miss you Sora.

Can't believe Hubble and Fluffy's gone too. Every morning I'll subconsciously go to the balcony and look at them, then I remembered, you guys aren't here anymore. The balcony is so empty without you guys. I miss hugging you, I miss running my hands through those smooth fur, playing hide and seek, showering you guys and all. I love you and I miss you. Hope you guys are doing well with teacher Kelvin. These 4 years with you guys are fun. Really, miss seeing you two little things running around. Sigh.

Tired out.

2011-07-03T08:31:00.000-07:00

God, I feel so confused. Sometimes, I'm with you. Other times, I'm lost In my own feeling and emotions. I want to be more Christ-like but letting go of all these really ain't easy. I'm crushed. Really crushed. I don't show it to people bit deep inside, I'm dying. I'm confused.

I feel so disappointed very week when I go church and go home. I think I've found the reason why. I'm leaving church every week without your presence and touch in my life. And I've been waiting for one thing. For people to really care for me and love me. I don't feel loved at all, not in this family, not in cell, not in drama either. I'm waiting for someone who care and love me from their heart. Deep down their heart. I don't want to go through all these hurts alone. I want someone I can be real with and remove my mask. I don't know how many masks I've put on. I'm dying for someone's shoulder that I can rest on and let everything out, just cry it all out. I've been numbing myself, deceiving myself, building walls around me. And I'm tired. Very tired from this race. Everything's crashing again. I don't have strength to go on anymore unless God, you come into my life again.

Sorry

2011-06-20T08:40:00.001-07:00

Collin, I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for all the misunderstandings. I wasn't referring to you and Winiline in my tweets. Okay, maybe some. I don't hate you. I know you have your reasons for hating me so much but let's make peace alright? We've all gone through enough hurts, can we end this? Honestly, I'm really hurt by everything you said. But I'm pretending like I don't care. Really, I'm sorry for everything. Can we be friends again? I don't want to lose another friend.

WWJD?

2011-06-20T08:36:00.001-07:00

God, tell me what to do. I really don't know what to do. I want to make things straight again, the Godly way. What should I do about Collin? I don't want such a relationship. I don't blame him, I don't hate him. I know he has his reasons for hating me so much, I'll accept them. But there are tons of misunderstandings between us. I really don't understand what's going on. I'm hearing different versions of the story. Which part is real? I want to apologise to him, but I don't have the courage. Handful of people tell me to. Majority say not to. I don't know. I just want to do what Jesus will do. I want to do what's right.

Drama camp!

2011-06-14T09:22:00.001-07:00

Drama camp was awesome. Especially htht and the prayer time. Honestly, I didn't wanted to share and to be prayed for. But something tugged my heart and asked me to take that step of faith. Before camp, I lost my faith in God and was well, on the verge of giving up on this walk with God but during camp, God amazed me by his works again. I didn't believe that God will speak to me, I didn't believe in the works he can do. But God ministered to me through the drama people. God told Caitlin my fear, God reminded Mel of that wonderful story, God spoke to each and everyone. God reminded me of the vision I had during camp Noise. It's really relevant to all this.

I shared rather openly during htht and yeah. It's really tough for me to share about my fear of being alone and showing my weak side. Honestly, I really fought hard to hold back my tears and emotions when I shared and heard what the guys told me while they prayed for me. Camp really made me think a lot. On the way to bugis, Shiwei spoke to me about C and W and I gave some thought to her words. Maybe I should speak to them and apologise but I don't have that courage to face them. I'm afraid that even before I can say anything, I'll start crying.

Come as you are, no jacket required.

2011-05-19T06:04:00.000-07:00

I shook my head in disbelief. This couldn’t be the right place. After all, I couldn’t possibly be welcome here. I had been given an invitation several times, by several different people, and had finally decided to see what this place was all about. But, this just couldn’t be the right place.

Quickly I glanced down at the invitation that I clutched in my hand. I scanned past the words, “Come as you are. No jacket required,” and found the location. Yes, I was at the right place. I peered through the window again and saw a room of people whose faces seemed to glow with joy. All were neatly dressed adorned in fine garments and appeared strangely clean as they dined at this exquisite restaurant. Ashamed, I looked down at my own tattered and torn clothing, covered in stains. I was dirty, in fact, filthy. A foul smell seemed to consume me and I couldn’t shake the grime that clung to my body.

As I turned around to leave, the words from the invitation seemed to leap out at me…”Come as you are. No jacket Required.”

I decided to give it a shot. Mustering up every bit of courage I could find, I opened the door to this restaurant and walked up to a man standing behind a podium. “Your name, sir?” he asked me with a smile.

“Jimmy D. Brown,” I mumbled without looking up. I thrust my hands deep into my pockets hoping to conceal their stains.

He didn’t seem to notice the filth that I was covered in and He continued, “Very good, sir. A table is reserved in your name. Would you like to be seated?”

I couldn’t believe what I heard! A grin broke out on my face and I said, “Yes, of course!” He led me to a table and, sure enough, there was a placard with my name written on it in a deep, dark red.

As I browsed over a menu, I saw many delightful items listed. There were things like, “peace,” “joy,” blessings,” “confidence,” “assurance,” “hope,” “love,” “faith,” and “mercy.” I realized that this was no ordinary restaurant! I flipped the menu back to the front in order to see where I was at…”God’s Grace,” was the name of this place! The man returned and said, “I recommend the ‘Special of the Day.’ With it, you are entitled to heaping portions of everything on this menu.”

You’ve got to be kidding!…I thought to myself. You mean, I can have ALL of this! “What is the ‘Special of the Day’ I asked with excitement ringing in my voice. “Salvation,” was his reply. “I’ll take it,” I practically cried out. Then, as quickly as I made that statement, the joy left my body. A sick, painful ache jerked through my stomach and tears filled my eyes. Between my sobs I said…”Mister, look at me. I’m dirty and nasty. I’m unclean and unworthy of such things. I’d love to have all of this, but, but, I just can’t afford it.” Undaunted, the man smiled again. “Sir, your check has already been taken care of by that Gentleman over there,” he said pointing to the front of the room. “His Name is Jesus…” Turning, I saw a man whose very presence seemed to light the room. He was almost too much to look at. I found myself walking towards Him and in a shaking voice I whispered, “Sir, I’ll wash the dishes or sweep the floors or take out the trash. I’ll do anything I can do to repay you for all of this.”

He opened His arms and said with a smile, “Son, all of this is yours if you just come unto me. Ask me to clean you up and I will. Ask me to take away the stains and it is done. Ask me to allow you to feast at my table and you will eat. Remember, the table is reserved in your name. All you must do is accept this gift that I offer you.” Astonished, I fell at his feet and said, “Please, Jesus. Please clean up my life. Please change me and seat me at your table and give me this new life.”

Immediately, I heard the words, “It is finished.”

I looked down and white robes adorned my squeaky clean body. Something strange and wonderful had happened. I felt new, like a weight had been lifted and I found myself seated at His table.

“The ‘Special of the Day’ has been served,” the Lord said to me. “Salvation is yours.” We sat and talked for a great while and I so enjoyed the time that I spent with Him. He told me, me of all people, that He would like for me to come back as often as I liked for another helping from God’s Grace. He made it clear that He wanted me to spend as much time with Him as possible.

As it drew near time for me to go back outside into the “real world,” He whispered to me softly, “And Lo, I am with you always.” And then, He said something to me that I will never forget. He said… “My child, do you see these empty tables throughout this room?” ”Yes, Lord. I see them. What do they mean?” I replied. “These are reserved tables …but the individuals whose names are on each placard have not accepted their invitations to dine. Would you be so kind as to hand out these invitations to those who have not joined us yet?” Jesus asked.

“Of course,” I said with excitement as I picked up the invitations.

“Go ye therefore into all nations,” He said as I turned to leave.

I walked into God’s Grace dirty and hungry. Stained in sin. My righteousness as filthy rags. And Jesus cleaned me up. I walked out a brand new man …robed in white, His righteousness.

And so, I’ll keep my promise to my Lord. I’ll go. I’ll spread the Word. I’ll share the Gospel… I’ll hand out the invitations. And I’ll start with you.

Have you been to God’s Grace? There’s a table reserved in your name, and here’s your invitation… “Come as you are. No jacket required.” “For by grace are ye saved through faith: and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: not of works, lest any man should boast.” Ephesians 2: 8,9

Got Grace?

I hate this family

2011-05-02T19:50:00.001-07:00

I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate my mother, I hate this family.